Paradise Lost
by RewindedMiracle
Summary: "I am trying to be what you're dying to see." A brief glimpse of Raina Hawke and Fenris's history. A companion piece to Blank Shell but can stand alone. AU-ish, M for content, in game.


**A/N:** _I just needed to get this Fenris thing out of my system. This is a companion piece to my story Blank Shell but I feel like it can stand alone too. It's more like a past history type thing with critical moments of their relationship. Yeah, you'll see. :D Thank you to __**Saga Svanhildr**__ for being my beta. I hope you guys enjoy this! Lyrics credited to Hollywood Undead's "Paradise Lost" the inspiration for this._

"Paradise Lost"

_So watch my chest heave  
>As this last breath leaves me<br>I am trying to be  
>What you're dying to see<em>

He was completely insufferable. He drove her absolutely mad. He was always so serious. He brooded much more than a person should be able to and yet, the way he smiled at her made Raina Hawke ready to completely melt on the spot. She had almost thought that she had succumbed to a desire demon when he did such a thing. The look of shock must have been clearly written on her face because the next thing she knew, he was laughing. At her no less, but he was still laughing. "What's so funny?" She demanded.

"That you sit here and think that you can actually tell me what to do, mage," he replied. Her eyes narrowed at the silver haired elf. There were days when they got along, and then there were the days when she just wanted to push Fenris off of Sundermount's highest point. She glanced back at Carver and Varric who were playing diamond back at their camp. Good. They were busy.

"Well," she replied, "there have been plenty of times when you could have left, but you chose to stay and seeing as I've been declare leader of this band of misfits, it seems fitting for me to make the decisions, no?" She was challenging him. The way he looked at her made her want to throw her arms around him…well, it was either that or throttle the shit out of him. "Stop smiling like that." Her heart beat started to pick up. It was no secret that she thought he was attractive. Isabela had called her out on it plenty of times before. Was he just toying with her? Her chest tightened and her stomach clenched.

"Why?" He asked, taking a step closer to her. He was definitely toying with her. "Does it bother you?" Oh Maker, he knew what he was doing. Raina huffed at him. Yes, she wanted to tell him, but the words didn't come out. They were on their last money-making mission before they headed to the Deep Roads and the decision about who was coming was still looming over the whole party. The one person she knew she wanted down there with her was the one challenging her, but she didn't know how long they'd make it before she'd want to cut him herself.

"Why do you hate me?"

He seemed taken aback by her question. "I don't…" He was at a loss for words. Well, that was a first. She wanted to know what he thought about her. She wasn't exactly experienced with men and had sought advice from her Rivaini friend, whether that was a good idea or not remained to be seen, but she couldn't bring herself to just spill her heart to him. Ah, the fear of rejection. While she was so sure of herself most of the time, something like that…well…she didn't know how she'd handle it. The fact that he was so distant also made her hesitate on whether or not to say anything to him, but she would never know until she tried. She opened her mouth to say something, but what came out wasn't what was expected.

"Why do you always call me 'mage' or 'Hawke'?" She asked him. "I have a name, you know. It's Raina or Ray. Either would be great." Sarcasm dripped from her words and she crossed her arms in front of her body to show that she was waiting for a reply, but none came. Raina turned to leave but Fenris caught her wrist. She whirled around and gave the elf a hard push. She watched as his foot caught a rock and he fell into the water near their camp on the edge of the Wounded Coast. He looked at her in disbelief and she smirked. "Maybe you should listen to Anders about shoes."

_I feel like "Fuck man,  
>Can't take this, anymore,<br>This heart, break this."  
>This is life that's so thankless,<br>How could he just forsake us?_

"_At least I know the value of family…"_ Carver's words haunted her. He knew how to hit home. He betrayed their family. He betrayed their father's memory. It was all because she wanted to keep him safe. Couldn't he see that? No. Of course he couldn't. After she had arrived home to find out…the news, she had set off to the Hanged Man. She wanted to wallow. She wanted to forget. Her friends had tried to cheer her up but to no avail; she had sunken into a depression. She and Carver had protected each other, but the rivalry had always been the elephant in the room between them and it only got worse after Bethany had died.

"Where is she?"

The voice was barely noticeable as Raina sulked against the wooden table, but it was enough to pull her out of her thoughts. Her fingers curled against the empty mug. She had lost count on what number it was, but she didn't care. Her mother wasn't speaking to her. Carver had become a Templar. Everything should have been perfect after what they had found. Ah, fuck it. Raina knew that the signs had been there. Carver was a spoiled little shit, and she had been too stubborn to realize how bad it had been. "I don't think she wants to see anyone." Oh, Varric. He was ever the loyal dwarf. Where was her ale? She huffed slightly as she closed her eyes. Varric had been so kind to let her privately drink in the room he had there. She couldn't decide if it was for her protection or the patrons.

"Just let me in." Did she know that voice? Was it Carver? No. It couldn't be. The voice was deeper than her brother's.

"Fine, but don't get mad at me elf, when she shoots lightning at you." Fenris? Oh Maker.

Raina listened to the door open and she didn't want look up at him. She hated to feel so vulnerable and to let Fenris see her like that… that was the worst possible thing. She hoped the Maker would take her before he got a chance to see her bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. "Leave me alone," she groaned and buried her face into the nook of her arm. "First my father, then Bethany, and now Carver… pretty soon you all will just leave me." Raina bit down on her lower lip to stop its quivering. Her vision blurred as the tears threatened to fall again. Maker, she was an emotional drunk.

"I can't do that," Fenris replied softly.

"Why?" She asked quietly.

His hands cupped the sides of her face and his thumbs moved to wipe the remnants of tears from her skin. "It's not your fault, and I don't want to see you cry over something out of your control," he told her.

Raina moved away from him. "I could have made him happy. I could have taken him to that wretched place. I could have…" Her voice broke with a sob. She rubbed at her eyes and looked at Fenris. For the first time, she thought she saw concern in those piercing green eyes.

"You can't please everyone, Raina," Fenris told her, "you have to make yourself happy."

_Just let me burn,  
>It's what I deserve.<br>God I've lied, am I lost in your eyes?_

She watched as Fenris plunged his hand into the magister's chest. A cry of horror escaped her. Raina was never going to get used to seeing him do that. The woman fell to the floor and her dark hair framed her face. Blood pooled at her sides and the life drifted slowly from her eyes. "You gave her your word," she breathed, "Fenris… I… do you want to talk about it?" He whirled around to face her, anger blaring on his hardened features.

"No!" He shouted. Raina was sure he was going to stomp his foot next, but was relieved to see that she was wrong. "I do not want to talk about it." She flinched at the tone his voice was taking. Fenris spit to her side. "That is how much her deal is worth."

"But what of your sister?"

"It could be a trap, just another lie to lure me closer to Danarius," Fenris's hands flew up in anger. "All that matters is that I finally got to crush that bitch's heart. May she rot and all the other mages with her." She listened to his voice falter in a way she had never heard before. He looked so vulnerable with his internal struggle to try to keep himself together.

"And what of me?" She asked quietly. Fenris opened his mouth to respond, but shut it quickly before he turned away from her. Raina touched his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Fenris." He shrugged her off.

"I don't want you comforting me."

_So take me and make me  
>Weaken and save me<br>This hate that you gave me  
>Keeps saying the same thing<em>

With Fenris, his tough exterior had been just a shell to ward people off. His demeanor screamed to leave him alone, but Raina wouldn't. She knew a troubled soul when she saw it and she had wanted to help him. Compassion had fueled her. It was that compassion that had scared him and kept him close at the same time. He was hurt and confused after what happened with Hadriana and it was her concern for him that made every decision with that, his. The look on his face in that moment made her heart soar. "Command me to go and I shall," he said. His voice was rough, almost choked to the point that the words barely escaped him.

She gave him a small smile and reached up to move some silver hair out of his face. It wasn't compassion that drove her to help him. Over the years she had fallen in love. She knew that she shouldn't have… What was it that people said about wanting things you couldn't have? Their views on mages had been entirely different, yet he had called her friend countless times. "Did I say anything?" She asked. It had been his turn to smile then.

Her world had changed within moments. Her feelings had been confirmed when his lips met hers. She turned them around and pressed him against the wall. She could feel his want…his need… for what was happening. She knew exactly how he felt. His hands explored her body as she led him into her room. She closed the door behind them with a swift motion of her foot. They peeled each other's clothing off and Fenris lifted her into the air. Raina wrapped her legs around the elf and a moan escaped her when his mouth found her breasts. He whispered her name and her fingers curled into his locks. They fell onto her bed, tangled in each other across silken sheets. His fingers briskly feathered over her sex, before they teasingly entered her. Slowly, he caused her lower region to dampen. She was ready. Her fingers curled around the fullness of him before she guided him inside of her.

Her hips bucked against him with the first thrust. A low grunt escaped him and the noise quieted with their lips molding together. She held him close as she wanted their moment to last; like something inside of her knew…just knew, that she was going to lose him.

_And here at the end  
>At the end of the hurt<br>All the pain ain't the same  
>When it's your turn to burn<br>We're the heart for the heartless,  
>The thoughts for the thoughtless,<br>The lies for the honest,  
>We're the gods of the godless!<em>

Raina curled up in pain. How could he? He had no right to use her like that and then ask for her forgiveness as he walked away. She pressed her palms against her temples and her fingers curled into her dark hair. She would stop crying. She had to stop crying. She knew that she should have expected it. It was only a matter of time before someone left her again. Isabela had come by. Aveline had stopped in. Nothing had made a difference. She heard movement outside of her door and knew that it was her mother. It was the same thing that she had been doing for the past few days. Leandra would hesitate outside of her door, wondering whether or not she should knock, only to walk away. Like any good mother, she knew that her daughter didn't want to talk about it.

Her chest heaved and she was sure that she had run out of tears. She rolled onto her backside and stared up at the ceiling for a few moments before she rolled off the bed. A small cry left her lips as she ripped off the sheets and bed spread and she threw it out of her window. Maker be damned, she hoped Fenris could see from his mansion. As the cloth fell down in the night, a fireball escaped from her hands and burned the bedding until it was only ashes when it hit the stone ground. Raina stared out of the window as her mind trailed off.

Of all things to wonder about, she thought of what Fenris was doing. Was he holed up in the mansion he was squatting in? Was he getting drunk off the Tevinter wine stored in the cellar? Her face scrunched up into a sneer. "Fenris," his name left her in a whisper. She wanted answers, but she didn't have the heart to go looking for them.

Days passed and all she did was lie in her bed. She listened to the city. Kirkwall's streets bustled and life went on. They didn't need her, though the growing number of unanswered letters was starting to tell her differently. Raina started to lose track of the time that ticked by, until it must have been at least two weeks later when someone dared to knock on her door.

"Messere?" She knew the voice. Bodhan. She crawled out of bed and to the door. She opened it slightly and peered out of the crack.

"What is it?"

"Master Anders is here to see you."

_So cry three tears for me,  
>When it's all gone,<br>When it's all gone_

"You know, you were an idiot to leave her."

Fenris whirled around. "And you were fast enough to replace me," he fired back at him. His hand was up and he pointed at Anders. "Do not talk of her as if she is some possession."

Anders shook his head. "I love her," he said simply, "You have no idea what that means." So he thought.

He glared at the mage. "Do not bare your heart to me, mage" he warned him, "Unless you would have me rip it out." Fenris turned away from the abomination and no matter what the other man had to say, he would not turn back around. He heard the door shut behind him and that was when he finally gave in to his urges. He turned his head and looked back to the window that he knew belonged to Raina. His eyebrows furrowed together as he watched shadows flicker from the dim candle lighting in the room. He rubbed the back of his neck and felt sick to his stomach. He was a fool.

He remembered the time when she felt like everyone would leave her. Her father, her sister, her brother, her mother…and he had left her. A small groan escaped him. Damn it. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to make things right, but it seemed that she didn't need him after all. She had… _that mage_. Perhaps he was better for her than a former slave. His eyebrows furrowed together. He needed a drink. He needed a few.

He made his way to the Hanged Man and sat at his normal table. It was only mere seconds after he sat down that Isabela found him. "Ah, Fenny," she started, "I thought I might find you here."

"Of course you did," he replied, "I just walked in." He signaled for Norah to bring him his usual.

The pirate sat across from him and raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong?" Was she showing concern? What was wrong with her? She must have figured out what he was thinking when she gave him a small smirk. "I'm feeling concerned for everyone right now. Take it while it lasts." She leaned a bit forward. "So what happened?"

"How long have they been together?"

Isabela paused. Fenris knew that she was the closest to Hawke. She knew. She had to have known. "Oh." The one syllable word was enough to tell him that his suspicions were true. It wasn't like he had a right to question. He was the one that had left. Norah set down his drink in front of him and he looked up at her.

"I'm going to need another."

_I cannot stand  
>Who I am I'm this man<br>With this blood on my hands  
>In this blood I am damned<br>So watch my wings burn  
>As they burn in the fire<br>I'll scatter the ashes  
>No need for the choir<em>

Danarius fell to the floor and Fenris threw the slowly beating heart to the side. He was finally free, but it didn't feel much like freedom. He turned to the red-haired woman as she cowered away from him. "You," he hissed through his teeth.

"I had no choice, Leto," Varania tried to explain. He didn't want to hear it.

"Stop calling me that."

"He was going to make me his apprentice! I would have been a magister," she told him. Why? Magic had stained his life again. He felt his features fall. It seemed like he couldn't escape magic.

"You're sister's a mage? You bloody hypocrite!" He heard the abomination comment. Oh, he was going to rip his heart out now as well.

"Anders!" Raina yelled. "Shut up!" Fenris felt a cold chill run down his spine. He had forgotten that she was there as well. "Fenris…" Her voice… He knew the tone well. She was worried about him. He ran a hand down his face. He didn't know what to do. He couldn't let her betrayal go, could he?

"You have no idea what I had to do after mother died," his sister continued. "This was my only chance." His lyrium tattoos flashed blue.

"And now you have no chance at all."

"Stop!" Raina spoke up again. "Don't kill her! She's your sister, Fenris." Varric stepped in to add to her objection and try to convince him not to rip out Varania's heart. He considered it. His hands raised, ready to go through with the kill, but he stopped himself. He would be no better than her, no better than Danarius and no better than that abomination.

"Get out," he ordered and Varania did not hesitate to run away, but not without parting words. They were words that he did not want to hear. It was the story of his markings and he could feel Raina's eyes on him. His eyebrows furrowed together. If there was any look that could completely break him down, it was the one she was giving him. "I thought discovering my past would bring a sense of belonging," he told her, "but I was wrong. Magic has tainted that too. There is nothing for me to reclaim." He looked away. "I…I am alone."

"I'm here, Fenris," she told him quietly. Was she? His eyes glanced at Anders, who was glaring at him. But they both knew that it wasn't that easy.

He couldn't stop the words that came out next, "I don't need you."

_This hate that you gave me keeps saying  
>Just let me burn,<br>Just let me burn_

"No," Fenris said, "I can't support this."

Raina looked at him in disbelief. "I haven't even made a decision on which I'm supporting," she told him. "I want peace. I don't want to see this city burn over misunderstandings." The elf shook his head.

"I can see it your eyes," he told her, "because of him," he pointed at Anders, "you would let this city burn for freedom that shouldn't be given." She crossed her arms in front of her. He watched as she opened her mouth to say something to him, but she faltered. She needed to see that not all mages had the control that she had. Not all mages could be trusted.

"How can you speak of others not deserving freedom after what you went through?" She asked.

"It's not too late to just walk away," he begged. "Come with me and we'll never have to look back." It could be that easy. He could see Anders reach for his staff and he wanted the mage to give him any excuse. _Any_.

"I can't," she said. Of course she couldn't. She was the city's Champion and had to see what was going on to the end.

"Then I go."

"Why?" Desperation had hit her voice. He wasn't sure that he could answer her. "I need you, Fenris…"

"No," he replied with a shake of his head. "You don't."

He watched tears fall down her cheeks. He held back from wiping them away. He turned away and left her again. It would be the last time that he would. He just couldn't do…whatever went on between them anymore. His resolve was solid. He wouldn't waver. He wasn't the man she needed him to be. He didn't deserve to stay there and he couldn't bring himself to fight for those he hated. Not even for her.


End file.
